What Keeps Me Going

A friend asked the other day, on Facebook, what keeps you going, in these times of strife and ugly and mean? In this volatile time of the upcoming US election, and all the vitriol being slung from all directions?

This was my answer:

What I learned from being in recovery so long, is it's really only one day at a time, even for y'all not in recovery. 

I have a date tonight and it's my first one in like... forever. Especially since my last several relationships imploded from major, major dysfunction. 

I have hope, but I'm terrified, as I have precious little faith in my ability to pick someone not insane. And the older I get, the more baggage there is, so that's hard.
As for the world... maybe it IS Tower Time, who knows. People had faith that Rome's empire would last. And as we all know who made it to here, it tragically didn't. Or maybe not so tragically, unless you were from Rome.

My kid. My kid keeps me going. He's offensive as all hell, on purpose, but inside he has an unshakeable goodness to him and a faith in propagating the species (NOT yet, thank all the gods) and in love and in hope and in a faith that somehow, the world will be there for him when he grows up.
I keep going and going and being well and being good to people and putting one foot in front of the other, and sharing and smiling and holding doors for people.
I work elderly in-home care because I love old people. I love kids and babies and I just love and love and love, even when I have no hope and no faith, I keep on lovin'.

Samhaintide

My word, here it is Samhain, and I have forgotten (or procrastinated, more like) to write again for three months. Shame on me.

I've had a lot going on.

I'm making new friends, learning to get along on my own again without a partner, parenting my teen son. Meanwhile, the world, or at least the United States, is in a bit of a shambles with this election coming up next week. I don't ever talk politics, but boy-howdy this one is going to be a doozy.
I was brought up that my vote is my private business, so I will not say who I am voting for. But I will say I really ought, if it wasn't so critical, this, to sit back with the popcorn and watch the fur fly.
This is one time I am SO glad I haven't had television in the last 25 or more years.
I really think we oughtta go back to the soapbox days, where the candidates say what they are going to do for the nation, and exactly how they plan to implement it, instead of the mud-slinging, which is so ugly.
Not to mention that the internet and social media has really given rise to the ugly in Americans-- I don't know what that's about except perhaps it's safer to be mean behind a screen.
Me, I refuse to do that. I will not go there.
Believe me, I have my ugly just like most folks, but I am keeping my counsel. My mom taught me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, and there's times I just love that Southern saying "Bless their heart" because that has all kinds of nuance to it.

Have I gotten off on a rant or what?

This Samhain, I'm thinking mostly of my dad.

When I was 11 or so, my dad used to sit me in the front seat and hand me the map and make me navigate. He was an airline pilot, and navigating and weather and all that was in his blood. I hated it, at the time... "See that highway sign? Is it an interstate or a county road? Where is that town, can you find it on the map? There's a railroad crossing, see it? On the map. How many miles to X town?"... and on and on, till I thought I would die.
Now? I can find my way out of anywhere. I can read a map like nobody's business, and I think it's a dying talent, with GPS and all. I do use the GPS, but there's nothing like an old-fashioned printed paper map.

Also, I can pack like a boss. The car, the carry-on bag, my purse, a backpack. My dad, I got that from my dad. He could really pack the car and the boat when we went camping. I have been called Mary Poppins, and that is a high compliment, to me. I hear PL Travers was rather a Witchy sort, too. I will take it!

And you know what? I realized this year that I am more interested in weather than I thought I was. I have had NOAA as my homepage for a couple of years, and I read the Farmer's Almanac, and while I have a barometer/thermometer/humidity gauge on my wall for a couple of years, too, in honor of my father, I think I may actually learn how to read that barometer.  

Thinking of you, Daddy. Thank you for teaching me those skills. Thank you for what you didn't teach, that I inherited naturally from you. Thank you for pretending I was old enough to dance with you, at the clubhouse dances. I'm honored. I danced with (for) you this morning, in your honor. I miss you.

Blessed Samhain, y'all. And Happy New Year.

HOTHOTHOT

Oh, it is hot. It is hot beyond hot.

It was 96* at its peak today, and I do not do well in the heat. WILT. I wilt. And, hot flashes. In the heat. Oh, misery.

I do elder care, and the lady I care for in the morning does not have AC in her home. It was eighty-five degrees in her house. Eighty-five.
Thankfully it was only three hours and I was able, somehow, to power through and say little prayers of gratitude, like mantras, that I am able to be of service to her.

But it makes me wonder, with all the elderly folks I care for and have cared for, they all get cold, all, and when is this magical day when I start to run cold? I never have.

Nor, now I think of it, have I ever, most of the time, slept less than 9 hours at a stretch. I can get by on eight. Barely. But that was supposed to start diminishing with age, too, and ain't happened yet, and when I get as old as the people I care for (my current one is 88yo), they sleep more, not less, and geez Louise I will be sleeping my life away.

Now, sleep is paramount, to me. It's one of my top priorities, or I can't function.

So, in one of the threads I'm following on Facebook, one of my Witchy friends has posted What Are You Doing For Self Care. I did not write sleep, though I should have. I did write that I am taking time for Netflix (OITNB Season 4, anyone?), which if I don't make the time, I won't take the time, know what I mean?
Hey, how cool is that, a new saying, woohoo! and it rhymes, too! I win!

So that, and I am sending love and blessings to someone I love, who is in a peck of trouble right now, and it's not likely to diminish anytime soon. And putting slips of paper in my Blessings Jar, which I will read one by one at the New Year, and see just how blessed I have been over the past year.

It's Lammastide, and I am, as I've said before, enrolled in Joanna Powell Colbert's 30-Days courses, which I love. You can't beat $19.99 with a stick, and you get a daily pause and dose of seasonal Witchery, and also a nifty secret Facebook group to share on. It's really super cool.
Or, hot, as the case may be... boy, I'm full of shenanigans today, aren't I?
Anyway.
Lammas.
Which I'm usually not fond of, nor Midsummer, because, well, heat, and as I said at the beginning, I am not fond of heat.
But this time I'm able to... well, languish. I'm wanting cooler weather, sure, but I am not pining for it as I usually do. I'm able to lay back and just be, and be in the moment lots more because of the things I learn and share in those groups.
So I'm gonna attempt right now to link JPC's home page, and if you go to the bottom, you will see a link for Ecourses, and you can sign up for the next one: http://www.gaiansoul.com/ Oooh, I think it worked! Now go see for yourself how cool she is. She lives way out off the West coast on an island in the Pacific Northwest. Someday, perhaps, she and I will meet in person.

At any rate. That's enough ramblings from me, today. Go do some self-care, Witchy ones! A nap, perhaps? Go languish, while the languishing is good.

On Happiness

I am learning from my many failed relationships that I can only create and get happiness from within, not depend on getting it from without.

It’s a journey.

So, Alanon, plus Gretchin Rubin, plus many other pokes from various sources.

Living in the moment is helpful. I have to practice mindfulness, and I don't always. It's a mental shift, but when I can do it, and that is a little more frequently, they are lovely Be Here Now moments.

I’m learning and believing that joy and happiness are *choices*. Sometimes, when I have grief or unhappy or grumpy, or depression, which I can be prone to, I still get to *choose* to wallow in those for the time being, and let them happen. This too shall pass, whichever I am going through.

Happiness isn’t about getting rid of negative emotions. We’re a bundle of ALL the emotions, and that is okay. Sometimes it makes me happy to realize it's okay to feel all my feelings. 

Creating and re-creating myself. If this isn't magick, then what is? 

Punk Rock Witch

I mostly post about the weather, I know, and the differences I've noticed between MA and NC, where I moved from, and there are plenty. Even 3 years in, I still feel like I'm in a foreign country, often.

Did y'all know I was a punk rock drummer back in the day? Okay, so I am 56 years young, and in 1979 or so, I was at college, and I was asked to play drums in a new band that my friends were trying to form. I had a set of drums because I had gotten a wild hair a couple months prior (bought from an ad on the grocery store bulletin board), but I didn't do anything with it. My brother mostly played them.

So, being punk, they said "Bring the drums here,  and learn how, and you can be our drummer!" So I did.
I took lessons at the same time the band was writing songs and learning how to be a band. I had to tell the drum teacher "I need to learn how to play the drums right now, because I'm already in a band". He honestly tried to teach me paradiddles and such, alongside 4/4 beats, but I never did learn the rudiments. I did, however, play in that band on stage within four months, and did a fair job of it, if I do say so myself.

And then continued on to play in more bands, till I moved to NC in 1988 and had another band for awhile, which I thought rather s*cked compared to my prior bands, but it was fun. And then I mostly stopped.

But THANK ALL THE GODS FOR THE INTERNET, because in '07 there was a reunion party, which I went to, and then in 2014 there was a huge one, and way more sophisticatedly run, with 12 of the orignal bands from back in the day. Including my first band, Distortion. The one I mentioned above. It was the most amazing time ever.

And then, just this past Sunday, there was another one. I didn't play this one, but it was even more amazing than the last one, if that is possible.

Here is my account of that, copied and pasted from a Facebook group I'm on:

Back in ‘79-80 or so was the beginning of punk rock, more or less. I played drums for punk bands in Syracuse, NY. It was an amazing scene, bands supporting each other, ones that were more popular giving newer, inexperienced bands a chance to be the opening band, so they’d get practice and exposure.

There had to be some 150 people strong, or more, at any given time. We all went out to see whichever band, every night, and they would come see us.

HUGE, tight scene. Everyone knew everyone else’s name.

Fast fwd to 2007, there was a reunion of sorts in Syracuse, and I was at my brother’s in upstate NY for Christmas. They kept my son overnight and I hopped over to Syracuse for that. It was amazing.
In 2014, there was a HUGE reunion. Twelve of the original bands that formed and played in ‘79-80 graced the stage. My first band, Distortion, was one of the honored guests. It was the most amazing night of my life, probably ever.

And then this past Sunday night was another one. I didn't play this time, but there were a whole bunch of good and loyal punk rockers from back in the day.
Thank all the gods for internet. My whole punk scene, all 150-odd, is and has been back in touch and we all love one another so, so much, still.

Oh! And Tom Kenny, the voice of Sponge Bob, was one of our original scene. He was there last night. I haven’t seen him in 25 years, though I have been able to sort of keep up with his awesome success thru the media. And my son got a pic with him so he can name drop at school 😉 He hasn't changed since back in the day. None of us really have, I think! We were all transformed to the 16-25yo’s that we once were.

People say you can’t go back again. I say HELL yes, you can! 

Summer Solstice!

Happy Summer Solstice!

I mostly celebrated in my head, but yesterday I set out treats for the fairies-- slices of almond-poppyseed cake, strawberries, and milk/cream. They accepted all! Yay!

I wore my bright yellow Sun shirt to work today, with the sparkly bling on it, and my Sun earrings that my friend Ginger made, and sparkly gold eye shadow and sparkly gold nail polish and my amber necklace that basked in the Solstice sun all day. I ate chicken and eggs and cucumber salad, and had coffee and I got all treaty and had a Dr. Pepper and I had strawberries with cream.
I basked in the Sunshine my ownself, out by my favorite Tree. 

And I finally set up a nice, but simple, altar. It looks good and I'm happy with it. 

Saturday upcoming is the ritual out at Asphodel, the people I circle with (First Kingdom Church of Asphodel, which sounds like a real church of sorts, but they're not; they're Pagan as all heck). I get to be Solsticy all week!
 It's supposed to be like 85* on Saturday! Finally, we have a Summer, of sorts. It's been right cool up to now. 

My big celebration was putting an AC unit in my bedroom, today. It was 84* in there! It's 74* in the rest of the house, which is fine and liveable. But no way could I sleep in that. I set the AC to 74* but it's not that cooled off yet. It's better than it was, though! 

How are you celebrating Solstice? 

I forgot I had a blog ~blush~

Been busy mommying, and working!

Up here in Massachusetts, it's so different from NC. I'm still, almost 3 years into being here, getting used to being here. People talk funny ;)
Also, the seasons are all shifted around. Here it is the middle of April, and it's still in the 30s at night, I still have plastic on my windows, I still very occasionally use the space heater to take the edge off, in my bedroom.

We had a very late Winter this year. It was warm warm warm up till like January, then BAM, Winter. Spring is late to start, now, also. It's about 50s in the day and 30s at night and I still have the flannel sheets on my bed.

That's alright. There's daffodils out, now, and dandelions, yay! And wonder of wonders-- it's still too early to tell, but I think there's chickweed growing between the grass and clover on the strip between the sidewalk and the house. I know I shouldn't eat what's there, because cars and traffic and ew, but man... I've really missed chickweed. It's on my top 10 list of favorite plants.

I can't wait to make a new dandelion salve this year, too. I'll have to find someone who doens't live right here in the city, and who doesn't spray, that I can harvest them from. And plantain, too.

So...funny how illness is. I have stopped basking. I can't stay still long enough. I do sometimes now find myself utterly exhausted, and then I go lay down, and if I have the chance and that sun is shining through my bedroom window, then I will bask in it, but I'm not making a point to stop and go bask like I was when I was sick. Or coming out of the sick. 

I found me a sweet spot by a river yesterday. I have driven by it umpteen times in the past almost 3 years and I do not know how I missed it. I swear I made skidding sounds as I yanked my car to the side of the road. Got out, tussled through the still-wintery brambles until I could get down near the water. Felt SO grounded, putting my hands in and letting the water flow over me. Then I found a tree that lent me its strong trunk to sit by, and watch the water for awhile. Ahhh.

Ima find that spot again and go utilize it, though I know from some of the trash that other people use it, too...a tiny liquor bottle, for one. When I came out of there, some guy on the other side of the street asked me what time it was, and then asked if I would give him a ride-- in the other direction from the way my car was facing. Um, no.
Which makes me wonder if it was a safe thing to do, go traipsing around in the woodsy area right in the city by myself, but heck. I needed that river and I'm going back there and aside from magickal, perhaps I shall bone up on my ninja skills.  

Basking

I have absolutely, utterly lost several weeks of my life, it seems.

Right before my son's birthday, in January, I came down sick, and I cranked on my homemade Elderberry syrup and kicked it right out of me...I thought.
Then in February I got sick again. I was stupidly fatigued, and I slogged through work as best I could, but took most of my off-time to rest. Then over the weekend, I just could not shake it.

I had clogged sinuses, I had congested lungs, and the fatigue was overwhelming.
That Tuesday I called out of work and went to the doctor.
She told me I had a cold, albeit a vicious one, and to keep doing what I was doing-- you know the routine. Rest, fluids, etc. And she wrote me a note to stay out of work for the rest of the week.

For the next umpteen days, I would get up as best I could, have a coffee, check my email, and that was about as much energy as I could manage before I had to crash and go back to bed. My son was off school for a vacation, which was a double-edged sword...I didn't, thankfully, have to use the alarm, but at the same time, I couldn't entirely rest because I wasn't alone, ever. But he's 15 now and I did get lots of rest time. He's such a sweetie.

I went back to the doctor on Saturday, and that doctor still couldn't really diagnose me, I think, so she decided she was treating me for a sinus infection, and prescribed me a 5-day course of azythromycin. And an inhaler.
Both the doctors said my lungs were clear, which is weird, because I could have taken a Sharpie and drawn a line across my chest where the congestion stopped and the clear began, but whatever. They still feel cloggy.
It took 3 of the 5 days of antibiotics to even start feeling a little better.

Then, yay for things coming in threes, I have a mouth infection where I'm going to need a root canal, and I'm highly suspecting Carpal Tunnel in my dominant hand (the right, if you're curious), so I'm on penicillin now. And a butt-ton of probiotics, because no WAY am I doing a yeast infection, too.

I'm a medical mess, lately. Gah. Because I'm mostly pretty healthy.

Point being, after all that, is that I kind of lived in a dreamtime during my illness.
I've had lots of time to muse, and dream, and think, and what I came to is that I think very old people, and people on the edge of dying, the reason they sleep so much is they're getting ready for the next great adventure. It's a dreamtime.
It's not really a bad place to be.
That dreamtime...it's kind of soothing. But it's a very in-between place. It's a threshold. You know, like a door? Or a window. Between this place and the next. You know how in ritual, after the casting of the circle, the priest/ess will say "Now we are between the worlds"....it's very like that.

I've gotten very quiet, in my mind. And I'm slower and more deliberate about my daily tasks, and I've taken to basking in the sunlight that streams through my bedroom window in the afternoon. I did that during my sickness-- I lay across my bed, with my face in the sunlight, and just...basked. Only, being sick, it wasn't so much a luxury as a necessity. And now I still think it's necessary. It restoreth my soul, and all that. And it's very "in the moment", because the sun moves, as we all know, with the seasons, so the time is not exactly the same every day. I have to stop what I am doing to go bask.
It's very meditative.

Go try it. Go find your place where the sun comes in your window. If you don't have a chair, or a bed, where that window is, then make a nest on the floor. Turn your face to the sun. Say a prayer of gratitude and thanks. Go bask.