Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year's Day 2017

Welp, here it is the first day of 2017.
I want to say Happy New Year, because it's tradition, and habit, and that is what one does, but I'm not so sure about the faith I have that the next 4 years (or more, good gracious, bite my tongue) will be anything but happy.

At least for marginalized people. It appears, rapidly, that discrimination is once again going to be the law of the land, only not just for black folks, and not that gay people and other such just get to be as invisible as possible, like in the good ol' days, but they get to be actively discriminated against, too, by law.

I'm still rather in denial that things won't just tootle along like they have been for the last 8 years. Intellectually, I know this isn't going to happen. But the whole situation is so dire, so crazy, so impossible, that it's all I can do to just sit here with my mouth agape and hanging down to my knees, and my eyes big as tea saucers. 
What a fucking mess, excuse my language.

So since my last post, with that first date, things fell hard and fast with that person, and I'm now a full partner to hir-- who is polyamorous and has two other partners in two other states. Those relationships are going on 7 years each, and... well, wow. Just, wow.
If there isn't anything the Universe didn't just hit me upside the head with about I AM NOT THE BOSS OF YOU, it's this. It's a heavy lesson in loss of control (not in a bad way-- but in a I AM ONLY IN CONTROL OF ME way) and also an EVERYTHING I EVER LET GO OF, I LEFT CLAW MARKS IN kind of way.
Heavy, heavy lessons, those./
I am being loved like I never have before. I am being honored and held and paid attention to, more in the past couple weeks than in the past well-over-16-years. Or more.
I'm gobsmacked.
And I'm happy as a pig in mud.
Most of the time.
It's a very real possibility that-- it's been brought up to me that it's possible I am feeling some PTSD, which I have never considered before, but it's appearing more and more that I have suffered some very real trauma from my past relationships, but dammit-- Ima gonna heal from all that. Days I just break down and cry, unexpectedly, like this morning, and days I am just fine and dandy and kick-ass and determined. It's a dance, it is.
But I am NOT going to lay down and let it consume me. Nope. Not.

Back to the first topic, I'm seriously worried about the state of, well, the world, starting with right here in the good ol' USA, which is about to become the fascist USA right here in my very lifetime. And I'm super worried for my big beautiful vat of transgender friends, whom I love with every fiber of  my being. I'm not good at fighting. I'm much better at hiding, and making soup on the sidelines for those who need it, but maybe a whole bunch of soup and hugs are in order, hey. I gots superpowers. Ima gonna use them.

Starting with my new love, and my friends whom I circle with. I'm still gonna be the best, kindest, lovingest me I can be. Oh, and starting with my ownself, too. Self-care, and all that.

Well if this wasn't round-and-round... sorry for the incoherence. It's New Year's *yawn*

Sunday, November 6, 2016

What Keeps Me Going

A friend asked the other day, on Facebook, what keeps you going, in these times of strife and ugly and mean? In this volatile time of the upcoming US election, and all the vitriol being slung from all directions?

This was my answer:

What I learned from being in recovery so long, is it's really only one day at a time, even for y'all not in recovery. 
I have a date tonight and it's my first one in like... forever. Especially since my last several relationships imploded from major, major dysfunction. 
I have hope, but I'm terrified, as I have precious little faith in my ability to pick someone not insane. And the older I get, the more baggage there is, so that's hard.
As for the world... maybe it IS Tower Time, who knows. People had faith that Rome's empire would last. And as we all know who made it to here, it tragically didn't. Or maybe not so tragically, unless you were from Rome.
My kid. My kid keeps me going. He's offensive as all hell, on purpose, but inside he has an unshakeable goodness to him and a faith in propagating the species (NOT yet, thank all the gods) and in love and in hope and in a faith that somehow, the world will be there for him when he grows up.
I keep going and going and being well and being good to people and putting one foot in front of the other, and sharing and smiling and holding doors for people.
I work elderly in-home care because I love old people. I love kids and babies and I just love and love and love, even when I have no hope and no faith, I keep on lovin'.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Samhaintide

My word, here it is Samhain, and I have forgotten (or procrastinated, more like) to write again for three months. Shame on me.

I've had a lot going on.

I'm making new friends, learning to get along on my own again without a partner, parenting my teen son. Meanwhile, the world, or at least the United States, is in a bit of a shambles with this election coming up next week. I don't ever talk politics, but boy-howdy this one is going to be a doozy.
I was brought up that my vote is my private business, so I will not say who I am voting for. But I will say I really ought, if it wasn't so critical, this, to sit back with the popcorn and watch the fur fly.
This is one time I am SO glad I haven't had television in the last 25 or more years.
I really think we oughtta go back to the soapbox days, where the candidates say what they are going to do for the nation, and exactly how they plan to implement it, instead of the mud-slinging, which is so ugly.
Not to mention that the internet and social media has really given rise to the ugly in Americans-- I don't know what that's about except perhaps it's safer to be mean behind a screen.
Me, I refuse to do that. I will not go there.
Believe me, I have my ugly just like most folks, but I am keeping my counsel. My mom taught me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, and there's times I just love that Southern saying "Bless their heart" because that has all kinds of nuance to it.

Have I gotten off on a rant or what?

This Samhain, I'm thinking mostly of my dad.

When I was 11 or so, my dad used to sit me in the front seat and hand me the map and make me navigate. He was an airline pilot, and navigating and weather and all that was in his blood. I hated it, at the time... "See that highway sign? Is it an interstate or a county road? Where is that town, can you find it on the map? There's a railroad crossing, see it? On the map. How many miles to X town?"... and on and on, till I thought I would die.
Now? I can find my way out of anywhere. I can read a map like nobody's business, and I think it's a dying talent, with GPS and all. I do use the GPS, but there's nothing like an old-fashioned printed paper map.

Also, I can pack like a boss. The car, the carry-on bag, my purse, a backpack. My dad, I got that from my dad. He could really pack the car and the boat when we went camping. I have been called Mary Poppins, and that is a high compliment, to me. I hear PL Travers was rather a Witchy sort, too. I will take it!

And you know what? I realized this year that I am more interested in weather than I thought I was. I have had NOAA as my homepage for a couple of years, and I read the Farmer's Almanac, and while I have a barometer/thermometer/humidity gauge on my wall for a couple of years, too, in honor of my father, I think I may actually learn how to read that barometer.  

Thinking of you, Daddy. Thank you for teaching me those skills. Thank you for what you didn't teach, that I inherited naturally from you. Thank you for pretending I was old enough to dance with you, at the clubhouse dances. I'm honored. I danced with (for) you this morning, in your honor. I miss you.

Blessed Samhain, y'all. And Happy New Year.

Friday, August 12, 2016

HOTHOTHOT

Oh, it is hot. It is hot beyond hot.

It was 96* at its peak today, and I do not do well in the heat. WILT. I wilt. And, hot flashes. In the heat. Oh, misery.

I do elder care, and the lady I care for in the morning does not have AC in her home. It was eighty-five degrees in her house. Eighty-five.
Thankfully it was only three hours and I was able, somehow, to power through and say little prayers of gratitude, like mantras, that I am able to be of service to her.

But it makes me wonder, with all the elderly folks I care for and have cared for, they all get cold, all, and when is this magical day when I start to run cold? I never have.

Nor, now I think of it, have I ever, most of the time, slept less than 9 hours at a stretch. I can get by on eight. Barely. But that was supposed to start diminishing with age, too, and ain't happened yet, and when I get as old as the people I care for (my current one is 88yo), they sleep more, not less, and geez Louise I will be sleeping my life away.

Now, sleep is paramount, to me. It's one of my top priorities, or I can't function.

So, in one of the threads I'm following on Facebook, one of my Witchy friends has posted What Are You Doing For Self Care. I did not write sleep, though I should have. I did write that I am taking time for Netflix (OITNB Season 4, anyone?), which if I don't make the time, I won't take the time, know what I mean?
Hey, how cool is that, a new saying, woohoo! and it rhymes, too! I win!

So that, and I am sending love and blessings to someone I love, who is in a peck of trouble right now, and it's not likely to diminish anytime soon. And putting slips of paper in my Blessings Jar, which I will read one by one at the New Year, and see just how blessed I have been over the past year.

It's Lammastide, and I am, as I've said before, enrolled in Joanna Powell Colbert's 30-Days courses, which I love. You can't beat $19.99 with a stick, and you get a daily pause and dose of seasonal Witchery, and also a nifty secret Facebook group to share on. It's really super cool.
Or, hot, as the case may be... boy, I'm full of shenanigans today, aren't I?
Anyway.
Lammas.
Which I'm usually not fond of, nor Midsummer, because, well, heat, and as I said at the beginning, I am not fond of heat.
But this time I'm able to... well, languish. I'm wanting cooler weather, sure, but I am not pining for it as I usually do. I'm able to lay back and just be, and be in the moment lots more because of the things I learn and share in those groups.
So I'm gonna attempt right now to link JPC's home page, and if you go to the bottom, you will see a link for Ecourses, and you can sign up for the next one: http://www.gaiansoul.com/ Oooh, I think it worked! Now go see for yourself how cool she is. She lives way out off the West coast on an island in the Pacific Northwest. Someday, perhaps, she and I will meet in person.

At any rate. That's enough ramblings from me, today. Go do some self-care, Witchy ones! A nap, perhaps? Go languish, while the languishing is good.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

On Happiness

I am learning from my many failed relationships that I can only create and get happiness from within, not depend on getting it from without.
It’s a journey.
So, Alanon, plus Gretchin Rubin, plus many other pokes from various sources.

Living in the moment is helpful. I have to practice mindfulness, and I don't always. It's a mental shift, but when I can do it, and that is a little more frequently, they are lovely Be Here Now moments.

I’m learning and believing that joy and happiness are *choices*. Sometimes, when I have grief or unhappy or grumpy, or depression, which I can be prone to, I still get to *choose* to wallow in those for the time being, and let them happen. This too shall pass, whichever I am going through.

Happiness isn’t about getting rid of negative emotions. We’re a bundle of ALL the emotions, and that is okay. Sometimes it makes me happy to realize it's okay to feel all my feelings. 
Creating and re-creating myself. If this isn't magick, then what is? 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Punk Rock Witch

I mostly post about the weather, I know, and the differences I've noticed between MA and NC, where I moved from, and there are plenty. Even 3 years in, I still feel like I'm in a foreign country, often.

Did y'all know I was a punk rock drummer back in the day? Okay, so I am 56 years young, and in 1979 or so, I was at college, and I was asked to play drums in a new band that my friends were trying to form. I had a set of drums because I had gotten a wild hair a couple months prior (bought from an ad on the grocery store bulletin board), but I didn't do anything with it. My brother mostly played them.

So, being punk, they said "Bring the drums here,  and learn how, and you can be our drummer!" So I did.
I took lessons at the same time the band was writing songs and learning how to be a band. I had to tell the drum teacher "I need to learn how to play the drums right now, because I'm already in a band". He honestly tried to teach me paradiddles and such, alongside 4/4 beats, but I never did learn the rudiments. I did, however, play in that band on stage within four months, and did a fair job of it, if I do say so myself.

And then continued on to play in more bands, till I moved to NC in 1988 and had another band for awhile, which I thought rather s*cked compared to my prior bands, but it was fun. And then I mostly stopped.

But THANK ALL THE GODS FOR THE INTERNET, because in '07 there was a reunion party, which I went to, and then in 2014 there was a huge one, and way more sophisticatedly run, with 12 of the orignal bands from back in the day. Including my first band, Distortion. The one I mentioned above. It was the most amazing time ever.

And then, just this past Sunday, there was another one. I didn't play this one, but it was even more amazing than the last one, if that is possible.

Here is my account of that, copied and pasted from a Facebook group I'm on:

Back in ‘79-80 or so was the beginning of punk rock, more or less. I played drums for punk bands in Syracuse, NY. It was an amazing scene, bands supporting each other, ones that were more popular giving newer, inexperienced bands a chance to be the opening band, so they’d get practice and exposure.
There had to be some 150 people strong, or more, at any given time. We all went out to see whichever band, every night, and they would come see us.
HUGE, tight scene. Everyone knew everyone else’s name.

Fast fwd to 2007, there was a reunion of sorts in Syracuse, and I was at my brother’s in upstate NY for Christmas. They kept my son overnight and I hopped over to Syracuse for that. It was amazing.
In 2014, there was a HUGE reunion. Twelve of the original bands that formed and played in ‘79-80 graced the stage. My first band, Distortion, was one of the honored guests. It was the most amazing night of my life, probably ever.
And then this past Sunday night was another one. I didn't play this time, but there were a whole bunch of good and loyal punk rockers from back in the day.
Thank all the gods for internet. My whole punk scene, all 150-odd, is and has been back in touch and we all love one another so, so much, still.

Oh! And Tom Kenny, the voice of Sponge Bob, was one of our original scene. He was there last night. I haven’t seen him in 25 years, though I have been able to sort of keep up with his awesome success thru the media. And my son got a pic with him so he can name drop at school 😉 He hasn't changed since back in the day. None of us really have, I think! We were all transformed to the 16-25yo’s that we once were.

People say you can’t go back again. I say HELL yes, you can! 

Monday, June 20, 2016

Summer Solstice!

Happy Summer Solstice!

I mostly celebrated in my head, but yesterday I set out treats for the fairies-- slices of almond-poppyseed cake, strawberries, and milk/cream. They accepted all! Yay!

I wore my bright yellow Sun shirt to work today, with the sparkly bling on it, and my Sun earrings that my friend Ginger made, and sparkly gold eye shadow and sparkly gold nail polish and my amber necklace that basked in the Solstice sun all day. I ate chicken and eggs and cucumber salad, and had coffee and I got all treaty and had a Dr. Pepper and I had strawberries with cream.
I basked in the Sunshine my ownself, out by my favorite Tree. 

And I finally set up a nice, but simple, altar. It looks good and I'm happy with it. 

Saturday upcoming is the ritual out at Asphodel, the people I circle with (First Kingdom Church of Asphodel, which sounds like a real church of sorts, but they're not; they're Pagan as all heck). I get to be Solsticy all week!
 It's supposed to be like 85* on Saturday! Finally, we have a Summer, of sorts. It's been right cool up to now. 

My big celebration was putting an AC unit in my bedroom, today. It was 84* in there! It's 74* in the rest of the house, which is fine and liveable. But no way could I sleep in that. I set the AC to 74* but it's not that cooled off yet. It's better than it was, though! 

How are you celebrating Solstice?