Tuesday, March 13, 2018

March 2018

Here it is almost the ides of March 2018, and we are having the 2nd Snowpocalypse of the month.

I am so grateful that work called me to ask if I wanted to call out, because I was waffling back and forth about it. I've called out so much, it seems to me, because of weather. I don't think I'm going to lose my position over it, but the thought had occurred to me.
I'm a caregiver for the elderly and disabled, in-home, and those folks don't ever take days off or have holidays, and I really should be there... and if I worked more local to me, I would have gone in. But my client is an hour out and I am NOT getting caught on the side of the road in a blizzard with my kid and two cats at home. Nope nope nope.

So that said, I haven't much had the heart to write anything for a very long time, because of the crazy surreal world that the United States is in. I feel like I live in a Dali painting. There is an email loop I subscribe to, called What The F*** Happened Today, about all the things that happened today re: the White House and such. And every day I read it and I really DO go to myself "What the f***...?"
Yes, it is that crazy. That surreal. And it's like... it's like the New Normal. Nobody bats an eye. Me, I have eyes as big as tea saucers over every new weirdness. Everytime I think something can't get more crazy... it does.

Right now I am sitting in my Mom Cave, the living room that mostly only I occupy, which is why it's my Mom Cave, and it's Snowpocalypse and it's blizzard conditions and it's 7:25am and the whole world is not awake except for plows. And there's a huge, thousands-strong murder of crows flying madly from West-ish to East-ish over my house. Making a mad racket. They've been doing this for a good half hour. Nutty crows. I wonder what they're up to in a snowstorm? But I love them and I am glad they are here. Stay safe, crows <3

My partner and I are starting a music project. It's exciting to be practicing drums for a song-- I haven't done that in years and years. It's fun, yay!

Not much to say. Just trying to restart my writings.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

I have not been able to write all dang year, because the political situation in this country has been so... well, insane. Every day I wake up wondering if Ima wake up at all. We have an insane person at the helm, folks, and every day is so freaking surreal.

Okay. So.
I don't even wanna go there, because it's so depressing and I live in such an unreality, now, it's all I can do to keep my personal life afloat.
Which is to say, I made that sound all wrong, because my personal life is so amazing anymore. SO amazing... that person I started dating last year at this time, we have just celebrated a year of being together, life partners, committed romantic companions, and we had rings made by my friend Jo, who is an amazing jeweler (I dunno if even that's her official title).
An aside: Jo and I went to Syracuse University together, and she majored in metals, and she actually pursued her major into careerhood. AND, she's still playing music. She was in my first band, in the way way back. Name of Distortion. In Syracuse, in like '79-80 when I was Sheena (and still am, in some circles).
Oh, and my most amazing drum teacher, Dave Read, died back in like January. He was only like 63 or 64, and he had 3 cancers. I'm still crying now and then over that. He was such an enormous influence on me. I spoke his name at the Samhain ritual, and left an offering of drum sticks for him. He is on my altar this year :(

So my partner and I, we exchanged rings at Samhain, at our common Pagan place to go, which is to say The First Kingdom Church of Asphodel here in Massachusetts. It's not a coven, that I'm aware of, but I do belong to it. It is a church, officially, and it's a 401-C 3 non profit. I've been a member for 3 years or so. And we exchanged rings and made our vows in front of the whole company, and got cheers and clapping and stuff <3
And that relationship has gotten nothing if not MORE amazing over the year. I wish I had known that relationships could be so good, years ago. Well... better late than never.

And hir relationship with hir two other partners is as strong as ever, and I have met both of them and they are both amazing people, which is why I suppose D loves them, and one has a live-in partner, and I met him, too, and he's awesome. My kid also met them all, and likes everybody.

And... I kind of have another partner of my own. My friend A, from WAY back in the day, and I, have gotten super close as friends, and have developed a deeper intimacy together. So I guess I am officially polyamorous and not just by virtue of being in a partnership with one person who's poly. How cool is that?

I'm still on a mission of Being Nice. The tougher and uglier the world gets, well, I am not cowing to that at all. Nope nope nope.


Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year's Day 2017

Welp, here it is the first day of 2017.
I want to say Happy New Year, because it's tradition, and habit, and that is what one does, but I'm not so sure about the faith I have that the next 4 years (or more, good gracious, bite my tongue) will be anything but happy.

At least for marginalized people. It appears, rapidly, that discrimination is once again going to be the law of the land, only not just for black folks, and not that gay people and other such just get to be as invisible as possible, like in the good ol' days, but they get to be actively discriminated against, too, by law.

I'm still rather in denial that things won't just tootle along like they have been for the last 8 years. Intellectually, I know this isn't going to happen. But the whole situation is so dire, so crazy, so impossible, that it's all I can do to just sit here with my mouth agape and hanging down to my knees, and my eyes big as tea saucers. 
What a fucking mess, excuse my language.

So since my last post, with that first date, things fell hard and fast with that person, and I'm now a full partner to hir-- who is polyamorous and has two other partners in two other states. Those relationships are going on 7 years each, and... well, wow. Just, wow.
If there isn't anything the Universe didn't just hit me upside the head with about I AM NOT THE BOSS OF YOU, it's this. It's a heavy lesson in loss of control (not in a bad way-- but in a I AM ONLY IN CONTROL OF ME way) and also an EVERYTHING I EVER LET GO OF, I LEFT CLAW MARKS IN kind of way.
Heavy, heavy lessons, those./
I am being loved like I never have before. I am being honored and held and paid attention to, more in the past couple weeks than in the past well-over-16-years. Or more.
I'm gobsmacked.
And I'm happy as a pig in mud.
Most of the time.
It's a very real possibility that-- it's been brought up to me that it's possible I am feeling some PTSD, which I have never considered before, but it's appearing more and more that I have suffered some very real trauma from my past relationships, but dammit-- Ima gonna heal from all that. Days I just break down and cry, unexpectedly, like this morning, and days I am just fine and dandy and kick-ass and determined. It's a dance, it is.
But I am NOT going to lay down and let it consume me. Nope. Not.

Back to the first topic, I'm seriously worried about the state of, well, the world, starting with right here in the good ol' USA, which is about to become the fascist USA right here in my very lifetime. And I'm super worried for my big beautiful vat of transgender friends, whom I love with every fiber of  my being. I'm not good at fighting. I'm much better at hiding, and making soup on the sidelines for those who need it, but maybe a whole bunch of soup and hugs are in order, hey. I gots superpowers. Ima gonna use them.

Starting with my new love, and my friends whom I circle with. I'm still gonna be the best, kindest, lovingest me I can be. Oh, and starting with my ownself, too. Self-care, and all that.

Well if this wasn't round-and-round... sorry for the incoherence. It's New Year's *yawn*

Sunday, November 6, 2016

What Keeps Me Going

A friend asked the other day, on Facebook, what keeps you going, in these times of strife and ugly and mean? In this volatile time of the upcoming US election, and all the vitriol being slung from all directions?

This was my answer:

What I learned from being in recovery so long, is it's really only one day at a time, even for y'all not in recovery. 
I have a date tonight and it's my first one in like... forever. Especially since my last several relationships imploded from major, major dysfunction. 
I have hope, but I'm terrified, as I have precious little faith in my ability to pick someone not insane. And the older I get, the more baggage there is, so that's hard.
As for the world... maybe it IS Tower Time, who knows. People had faith that Rome's empire would last. And as we all know who made it to here, it tragically didn't. Or maybe not so tragically, unless you were from Rome.
My kid. My kid keeps me going. He's offensive as all hell, on purpose, but inside he has an unshakeable goodness to him and a faith in propagating the species (NOT yet, thank all the gods) and in love and in hope and in a faith that somehow, the world will be there for him when he grows up.
I keep going and going and being well and being good to people and putting one foot in front of the other, and sharing and smiling and holding doors for people.
I work elderly in-home care because I love old people. I love kids and babies and I just love and love and love, even when I have no hope and no faith, I keep on lovin'.

Monday, October 31, 2016


My word, here it is Samhain, and I have forgotten (or procrastinated, more like) to write again for three months. Shame on me.

I've had a lot going on.

I'm making new friends, learning to get along on my own again without a partner, parenting my teen son. Meanwhile, the world, or at least the United States, is in a bit of a shambles with this election coming up next week. I don't ever talk politics, but boy-howdy this one is going to be a doozy.
I was brought up that my vote is my private business, so I will not say who I am voting for. But I will say I really ought, if it wasn't so critical, this, to sit back with the popcorn and watch the fur fly.
This is one time I am SO glad I haven't had television in the last 25 or more years.
I really think we oughtta go back to the soapbox days, where the candidates say what they are going to do for the nation, and exactly how they plan to implement it, instead of the mud-slinging, which is so ugly.
Not to mention that the internet and social media has really given rise to the ugly in Americans-- I don't know what that's about except perhaps it's safer to be mean behind a screen.
Me, I refuse to do that. I will not go there.
Believe me, I have my ugly just like most folks, but I am keeping my counsel. My mom taught me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, and there's times I just love that Southern saying "Bless their heart" because that has all kinds of nuance to it.

Have I gotten off on a rant or what?

This Samhain, I'm thinking mostly of my dad.

When I was 11 or so, my dad used to sit me in the front seat and hand me the map and make me navigate. He was an airline pilot, and navigating and weather and all that was in his blood. I hated it, at the time... "See that highway sign? Is it an interstate or a county road? Where is that town, can you find it on the map? There's a railroad crossing, see it? On the map. How many miles to X town?"... and on and on, till I thought I would die.
Now? I can find my way out of anywhere. I can read a map like nobody's business, and I think it's a dying talent, with GPS and all. I do use the GPS, but there's nothing like an old-fashioned printed paper map.

Also, I can pack like a boss. The car, the carry-on bag, my purse, a backpack. My dad, I got that from my dad. He could really pack the car and the boat when we went camping. I have been called Mary Poppins, and that is a high compliment, to me. I hear PL Travers was rather a Witchy sort, too. I will take it!

And you know what? I realized this year that I am more interested in weather than I thought I was. I have had NOAA as my homepage for a couple of years, and I read the Farmer's Almanac, and while I have a barometer/thermometer/humidity gauge on my wall for a couple of years, too, in honor of my father, I think I may actually learn how to read that barometer.  

Thinking of you, Daddy. Thank you for teaching me those skills. Thank you for what you didn't teach, that I inherited naturally from you. Thank you for pretending I was old enough to dance with you, at the clubhouse dances. I'm honored. I danced with (for) you this morning, in your honor. I miss you.

Blessed Samhain, y'all. And Happy New Year.

Friday, August 12, 2016


Oh, it is hot. It is hot beyond hot.

It was 96* at its peak today, and I do not do well in the heat. WILT. I wilt. And, hot flashes. In the heat. Oh, misery.

I do elder care, and the lady I care for in the morning does not have AC in her home. It was eighty-five degrees in her house. Eighty-five.
Thankfully it was only three hours and I was able, somehow, to power through and say little prayers of gratitude, like mantras, that I am able to be of service to her.

But it makes me wonder, with all the elderly folks I care for and have cared for, they all get cold, all, and when is this magical day when I start to run cold? I never have.

Nor, now I think of it, have I ever, most of the time, slept less than 9 hours at a stretch. I can get by on eight. Barely. But that was supposed to start diminishing with age, too, and ain't happened yet, and when I get as old as the people I care for (my current one is 88yo), they sleep more, not less, and geez Louise I will be sleeping my life away.

Now, sleep is paramount, to me. It's one of my top priorities, or I can't function.

So, in one of the threads I'm following on Facebook, one of my Witchy friends has posted What Are You Doing For Self Care. I did not write sleep, though I should have. I did write that I am taking time for Netflix (OITNB Season 4, anyone?), which if I don't make the time, I won't take the time, know what I mean?
Hey, how cool is that, a new saying, woohoo! and it rhymes, too! I win!

So that, and I am sending love and blessings to someone I love, who is in a peck of trouble right now, and it's not likely to diminish anytime soon. And putting slips of paper in my Blessings Jar, which I will read one by one at the New Year, and see just how blessed I have been over the past year.

It's Lammastide, and I am, as I've said before, enrolled in Joanna Powell Colbert's 30-Days courses, which I love. You can't beat $19.99 with a stick, and you get a daily pause and dose of seasonal Witchery, and also a nifty secret Facebook group to share on. It's really super cool.
Or, hot, as the case may be... boy, I'm full of shenanigans today, aren't I?
Which I'm usually not fond of, nor Midsummer, because, well, heat, and as I said at the beginning, I am not fond of heat.
But this time I'm able to... well, languish. I'm wanting cooler weather, sure, but I am not pining for it as I usually do. I'm able to lay back and just be, and be in the moment lots more because of the things I learn and share in those groups.
So I'm gonna attempt right now to link JPC's home page, and if you go to the bottom, you will see a link for Ecourses, and you can sign up for the next one: http://www.gaiansoul.com/ Oooh, I think it worked! Now go see for yourself how cool she is. She lives way out off the West coast on an island in the Pacific Northwest. Someday, perhaps, she and I will meet in person.

At any rate. That's enough ramblings from me, today. Go do some self-care, Witchy ones! A nap, perhaps? Go languish, while the languishing is good.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

On Happiness

I am learning from my many failed relationships that I can only create and get happiness from within, not depend on getting it from without.
It’s a journey.
So, Alanon, plus Gretchin Rubin, plus many other pokes from various sources.

Living in the moment is helpful. I have to practice mindfulness, and I don't always. It's a mental shift, but when I can do it, and that is a little more frequently, they are lovely Be Here Now moments.

I’m learning and believing that joy and happiness are *choices*. Sometimes, when I have grief or unhappy or grumpy, or depression, which I can be prone to, I still get to *choose* to wallow in those for the time being, and let them happen. This too shall pass, whichever I am going through.

Happiness isn’t about getting rid of negative emotions. We’re a bundle of ALL the emotions, and that is okay. Sometimes it makes me happy to realize it's okay to feel all my feelings. 
Creating and re-creating myself. If this isn't magick, then what is?