Ostara Blessings!

So we are still living in Salvador Dali-land, here in the good ol' US of A, and things just keep getting worser and worser, to quote my favourite Alice.
Already there's umpty-nine people planning to run the Democratic ticket in the fall of 2020. Republicans are awfuller than ever they were. This is gonna be one interesting campaign season. Once again, I am super, super glad I don't have TV. And as much as I needed the hours, I'm glad I don't have that client that has Faux News on, a lot, and loudly, for the 6 hours a day I was there.

Ostara is upon us. I don't know from balance at all. My world is downside-up, as it were. My sweet child has been diagnosed with a new and (to me)  pretty devastating mental condition, which of course manifests behaviorally. Frequently negatively.
I already live in bipolar world. In my house. Up down up down up down, sometimes many times in a day. It's quite unsettling.
Ima be quite real and raw, here. It's already hard enough to be me, without going into much detail-- my closest loved ones know my issues.
But this is really new, and my world was already really difficult to navigate, without adding this on top of it, and I so badly want to be the support system-- of course I do, being Mom.
It's SO hard. So freaking hard.
I'm day-at-a-timing it in a  huge way.
Not whining. Just mostly venting.
I wish I had a support system for me. Trying to find online support groups for this. I feel so alone.

Looking for Ostara images because reasons, and I found one that had a sentiment on it with a part I *really* liked-- "It is the perfect time to start new projects, access new ideas, and give birth to new conditions".

GIVE BIRTH TO NEW CONDITIONS.

Give birth to *new conditions*!!!

Holy cow.
This is huge.
I can *SO* use this.

I've been working on practicing self-care, and part of that is drums, and art, and meditation, and Netflix. Stuff for me, that makes me feel good. Doing it, too. Incense. Candles.
And my counselor gave me a Google Mini that is the coolest thing EVAH. It's this little device that plugs into the wall, in my bedroom, connects through Bluetooth to my phone, and I can go "Hey Google, do ____" and it will do it! Play music through my Pandora account, tell me the weather in bumf*ck Egypt, road conditions, jokes, puns, all sorts of silliness, all sorts of information. News. Sports. Weather. ANYthing.
And it's got voice recognition to my voice. So I think only I can activate it.
I said "Hey Google, play Pandora please" and this was the first time I added "please" because even though it's a device, I feel rude not saying please, and the thing goes "Okay. Play Pandora. Thanks for asking like that" 😀😦
I love it. LOVE. My geeky library self is all over this thing. 

So I'm alone right now, and I'm really enjoying the quiet 😁I hope to have a long, lovely weekend. My partner D and I are going to be coloring eggs for the Ostara ritual and potluck next week, and my partner A is coming to visit for the weekend of Passover, YAY!!! By that time we'll have not seen one another for eight months. She and I are going to our old friend Chiq's for Seder on Saturday night, like I've been doing for the past 5 years. It's a good time.

Lots to look forward to. I'm putting my mind in positive.

I would like to get past the Not Writing, to the Writing. But it's been a hard go, these past two years, with the surreal country and the state thereof, that I now live in.

These days, I have a full plate and more than a full plate. My boy is in his senior year in high school, and he was chosen for a paid internship in his major, during school hours, so every other week I drive him to work, go to my own work, and pick him up later. He's making more money than me, right now! I hope he gets hired on after graduation. Wouldn't that be peachy?
And every other week in between, I get to sit quietly for a half hour to an hour in the dark of my Mom Cave, at the computer, with a candle and incense, and contemplate the rising day.

Surrounding that, we have 7 hours of appointments weekly, and I hope that will do a thing we need for it to do. That, in addition to whatever doctor and dentist appointments we have, and picking up prescriptions and what-not.

I am exhausted nearly every day. What gets me through is I know it's temporary. And also my two partners-- my two romantic companions, who are the utmost in supportive. I don't know how I would get by without their support.
I have next to zero time for creativity, or relaxation, or even reading, but I am trying to fit those things in as best I can.
I have sleep habits. Which is great. I have habits, lots of them, and they keep me sane.
I read every night before sleep, in bed, if I can manage to keep my eyes open long enough.

I'm signed up for an online (email and website) art prompt class. I'm on, I think, my fourth project with this. I'm not sure I'm doing great art-- I don't think so. But I'm doing it, which is what counts. I'm making art.
I'm trying to sit for 5 lousy minutes on the drum kit a day, but that has mostly gone to the side for now.

And, my boy is taking driving school. This week is the book work stuff. Then we have to get his permit and then he gets to take the practical (behind the wheel). Then I have to observe him while he drives, for forty hours, before 6 months from now when he can take his driving test.
Ye gods. I shall close my eyes and chant "We All Come From The Goddess" to calm my frayed nerves.

Oh, and speaking of which-- CBD oil is the bomb. I don't know or care how or why it works, but it does, and it does not get me high, which I was nervous about, being in recovery. It soothes anxiety like nobody's business. Yay it!

Right now, we have a Winter storm warning for overnight. I am thoroughly enjoying the calm before the storm. Literally. The quiet, the stillness, the dark and impending sky. It's my favorite weather, next to actual storm.

Antici--- pation. 

Mabon!

Happy and Blessed Equinox to all!

The Autumnal Equinox is the other time of Balance in the year... the first being the Vernal, or Spring, Equinox, in March.
It's a time of balance. It's the time when the day and the night are of equal length.

I can't help, in these volatile political times here in the US of A, but think of balance when it comes to equality and equity for all.
Which we have never had.
I'm not going into political rant or discourse, because that's not what I do, except to say that I am ALL ABOUT EQUALITY.... for all. I stand hardcore for the downtrodden, the marginalized, the bottomest ones of all.
Just so's you know.
And if anyone is ever in need of a hug, or shelter from storms, or a lending ear, I am available. I don't have much, and yes, I am mad wary, and very guarded and jealous of my space and time, but that said, I would extend a hand-up if it was that dire. As best as I'm able.

Tomorrow is the Mabon ritual out at http://www.churchofasphodel.org/ where I go for my spiritual home. I have been a member there for a couple of years.
I'm bringing a Harvest Ratatouille from veggies I got at the farmers market: eggplant, zucchini, onions, mushrooms, celery, tomatoes (those are from a can-- shhh! 😉) and a bit of granulated garlic and salt and pepper. Oh, and olive oil. Yum, yum. 

I'm grateful, this holy day, for my child, who is growing up as we speak. He has his job back at the haunted house for October, and is starting the first weekend I'm going to the Cape with my partner D for the weekend. He gets to try out being alone for two days, rather than one, while mama (me, duh) tries hard not to worry and fret and wonder if I'll have a house and two cats to come home to, let alone a kid.
I'm grateful for my partners, D and A, who are both awesome each in their own way, and for the abundance of love that I have.
I'm grateful that my mom is still very much alive, and healthy. And that my brother is nearby to her, to watch and take care, should (gods forbid) anything happen-- he is right there.
I'm grateful I live in Massachusetts, where there's health insurance, and four seasons. I'm grateful I don't have to shovel the Winter. I'm grateful for food in my belly and a roof over our heads, and that we have just enough money to cover our needs. And a car.
My senses, all of which work. My body, which works just the way it should. My blood pressure, which is generally low-ish. I am almost 59 years old and I am not on any meds, and I can still balance on one foot.
And, of course, covfefe 😄

Last day of August

Finally.... OMG, how I loathe Summer.

I know, I know... I'm so in the minority. Whatever. I'm not good in the heat. I'm that Witch in The Wizard of Oz when they throw the water on her... "I'm melting; I'm melting!"... Yep, me. In the heat. We have a blessed relief from it for the weekend, and dang it! For Labour Day and the next dang WEEK, that I can tell, back up to 90* again. Frackity frack.

I am so grateful for air conditioning. I do not know how people stand it otherwise.

I knew this mom back in Asheville who was from Florida, if I remember correctly, whose daughter was in my kid's homeschool group, that LOVED the heat. She loved it in the 90s and could live in tropics... oh HELL no, not me, nope nope nope. All for her. My friend Jessica lives in Arizona and loves it, too, and the humidity, and I see her as a plant that revives with a drink of water. Maybe it's living in that Arizona dry heat that fuels her need for humid, I dunno.

Anyway. Tomorrow begins the season of SEPTOBER, and I shall spend part of the weekend decorating a little, and redoing my altar for Mabon.

School is back in session. My boy is a senior! Yowsa. As Gretchen Rubin says, the years are long, but the days are short. Ye gods. He's like 5'8" or 5'9" and towers over me, and I'm his little Hobbity mama. The mornings, this week, have been so pleasant. I'm grateful for that, too.

Our Song Challenge song is done, with video! I'll post a link once we submit it to the challenge.

I'm having a grateful day, so far 💓

ETA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d6pnfr3IrA&feature=youtu.be

I am twenty four years and one day sober

Yesterday was my 24 years 💗

TWENTY FOUR.

Let that sink in for a minute.

I have a friend, Morgan, who was born on that day, that year. August 23, 1994. I tell her she is my sobriety gift. But seriously, she's a full grown adult with two children and I have been sober as long as she has been alive.
That totally blows my mind.
Today, my kid and I went out for a Starbucks to celebrate, and to spend some time together, and he waxed poetic about how he loves the time we spend together like that, and I'm his hero for quitting all the substances, and he doesn't care who sees that he will still hold my hand in public a little, 'cause his mom rocks and is awesome and I always have his back and stuff.... brought me to tears, for real, that one did.
This has been a Best Day, in my book. Marking this one, for sure. My kid loves me THAT MUCH. And, he is awesome. I told him he is my crowning moment of being alive at all. Which is true.

In other news, my partner D and I are recording and recording... we have like 4 or 5 songs down for our eventually pending album, and I have even sung vocals on some of them. And I sang lead vocals on this weird experimental-y song that they did for a different project.
Sheena sang.
Sheena sang lead. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
And we are doing another Song Challenge for Victor Infante's Telegram & Gazette thingy. That's gonna be so fun. Will post when it's published!

I am hoping my partner A can come visit me after her birthday weekend. I'm putting all kinda Witchy energy towards that.

I'm busybusybusy. But it's good busy. I have new clients that I really like, and this week some extra time off, and even though it's going to be a beastly ninety-two freaking degrees for the first three days of next week, I know Septober is coming. I have even put a couple of orangey decorations up. I can hardly stand it. I lovelovelove the Autumn. Love. I'm so ready.

Almost Lammas, and Sobriety Anniversary

So it's going to be Lammas in a couple of days.The first of three harvest festivals, in many Pagan traditions.
I am dieting (again), so will not be partaking of the first fruits, as it were. But that's okay. I started this go-round right around 140 lbs, so it's probably the lowest start weight of any yet. I'm determined to at some point get to, and stay in, the 120s. Where I was in my 20s or so. Plus, wiggle room. My body keeps trying so hard to get me super fat again, and I will not have it.
I didn't realize how utterly uncomfortable that was, 'till I lost a good portion of that poundage! I could breathe easier, for real.
 I want to stay under 134, tops.

So my kid hasn't gotten another job. His anxiety has ramped up 😪 and I think it's just really hard, in general, for him to go present himself to strangers in authority as a neurotypical person. I hope he'll be able to. Because I'd love to see him get out on his own and be a responsible, mature adult in a couple of years... at best.
For real, he and his girlfriend asked me again if she could live here, and pay rent, and I went in there and said NO FREAKING WAY, that while I love them both, I am trying to eject people from my home, and not add people. I love my child beyond reason-- and I honestly can't wait to live alone. I love my own company so freaking much. And, I can choose to be in company or not, when I'm alone.

I lost my only client, not to death, thank all the gods, but to a nursing home, which it was well past time, and I am SO glad she's getting the care she needs. I am super glad not to be driving 10 hours a week to work 15.
I am sad, though, and to be honest, more than a bit scared of income insecurity.
I applied for a job as Personal Assistant to a couple from the UU. My hours of availability aren't flexible enough for them, but they like me, so I shall hear back in a couple of days.
Meanwhile, I'm filling in for my regular job, with clients, and I have a new one every Friday morning. I like him.

I will be celebrating twenty-four years of continuing sobriety, on August the 24th. I am so stoked. Today is 23 years, 11 months, and 4 days. Not that I'm counting or anything.
The other thing I thought of is, if I'm not working, it'd sure be nice to hit a few meetings. It's for real been months and months and maybe almost a year since I've been to one. My sobriety is in no way threatened-- again, I am such a loner and introvert-- and I do stick very closely to my program and my spirituality, which pretty much converge. But it'd still be nice to actually go. 

I'm starting, this year, to finally really love Massachusetts. I love the weather, the seasons, the health insurance, and I lovelovelove my partners, whom I would not be with if it weren't for moving up here.
They still talk funny here, though.

Couple of quick updates.

Juneteenth, almost https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juneteenth

I am sitting in my quiet Mom Cave (living-room), for probably the last time till Tuesday afternoon, because my partner A is coming to visit for the weekend-- which is awesome! But y'all know me, introverted quiet-time one. It's all good. She honors my need for silence when I ask.
Coffee, also... YUM... all the coffeeeeee................

My poor boy... he'd gotten a job at McDonald's, and he was not all that happy there; I mean, it is McDonald's after all, but he was making money and doing the very best he could. And he wasn't good enough for the one manager he mostly worked under, and he got the word that he was fired yesterday. Through a third party text. How freaking lousy is that.
So I have to say, I am really proud of him for putting his all into a menial piece of shite job, working with lousy a-holes, and being the better man for not blasting that manager out the wahoo, which he really oughtta. His firing reason was a clear bunch of guano.
I hope he gets back up on the horse soon, after a weekend of grieving. I feel so bad for him. Learning the ways of adulthood and the working world is SO hard.

A and I are going to be celebrating our 1-year anniversary as partners. We're exchanging kitty-cat rings and having a little ceremony.

I had an absolutely epic date with my partner D yesterday, as I won't be going to their house for the weekend.

Today it's overcast and not even 60*F, and Monday it is supposed to be ninety-seven freaking degrees. I shall wilt. I think I shall have the boy and A help me put in the kitchen AC over the weekend!

Oh, and next weekend... Midsummer at Asphodel, then Sunday is the Punkcake Alterno-Art Pop-Up and Flea at Ralph's... the first one for the summer! I am so there. I reconnected with Friend Scott M from college (1980, whoa), who lives in Lynn, MA, and he's hopefully coming to hang with me, along with Friend Jo from my first band Distortion, and maybe a couple other old punkers 💓💗

I'm so glad I am who I am. I'm so grateful I grew up when I did. My life is so awesome. Punk rock STILL rules. And oh, by the way, Punk Rock TreeHouse is working on our 4th song. Almost 1/3 of the way to an album!