IT'S. FECKING. OVER.

Finally, OMFGs. 

I haven't been able to write.

I haven't been able to do much of anything, let alone breathe, for four very long interminable years. 

Today, I watched as our newly elected officials included a woman, for the first time EVER. Kamala Harris, a Black/Asian/American woman. A woman Vice President. 

And a message of hope.

Finally, finally, finally, these last four years of horror and what-the-fuck are OVER. 

Maybe, just maybe, I can write some again. If I can breathe, I can write.  

Blessed Beltaine!

This is what I wrote on my Facebook today:

Blessed, happy, holy Beltaine to one and all. Wash your face in the morning dew, to retain your youthful beauty. Revel in Spring-turning-to-Summer. Be kind. Be radically kind.
As I recently read somewhere, Beltaine is not Valentine's Day for Pagans. You don't need a partner to celebrate. Love yourself. Love yourself *exactly* as you are, because you are worth it, and let that love radiate outwards, like the rays of the burgeoning Sun.

Do I believe all of that? You betcher sweet arse I do.

In this new world of It's Perfectly Okay To Be Loud And Proud About What An Asshole I Am, I've decided that radical kindness is the resistance. 

I met a new friend yesterday. A fellow Witch and polyamorous person, who lives right here in Worcester. Ten minutes away. I hope she likes me. How silly is that to feel like a schoolgirl hoping to be liked? Not romantic-liked, but just friend-liked. 
While I have lots and lots of acquaintances, I don't have many friends, if any, locally. I don't really have room on my plate for them.
But if I had one, or two, wouldn't that be cool, to have a coffee for an hour every now and then.

I realized I have been in MA for near to six years now, and while I am more or less used to it, and VERY grateful to be here in liberal tolerance open-minded everybody-is-important land, the accent is still throwing me 😂
I seriously hope I am not picking it up. I tend to be an accent sponge. Ugh. I resist it every chance I remember. It can be cute on other people, but, um, nope, not me.

A's visit was very lovely, and we had a great time at Passover, but not nearly enough time together. Hopefully Summer she can come back again to see me for a bit longer 💕

Working on a small art project for D's birthday, which is this coming weekend, holy hell, where did the time go? I need to get that done today, if I can, or it ain't happening. 

Rambly rambly.... good May, y'all. 

Ostara Blessings!

So we are still living in Salvador Dali-land, here in the good ol' US of A, and things just keep getting worser and worser, to quote my favourite Alice.
Already there's umpty-nine people planning to run the Democratic ticket in the fall of 2020. Republicans are awfuller than ever they were. This is gonna be one interesting campaign season. Once again, I am super, super glad I don't have TV. And as much as I needed the hours, I'm glad I don't have that client that has Faux News on, a lot, and loudly, for the 6 hours a day I was there.

Ostara is upon us. I don't know from balance at all. My world is downside-up, as it were. My sweet child has been diagnosed with a new and (to me)  pretty devastating mental condition, which of course manifests behaviorally. Frequently negatively.
I already live in bipolar world. In my house. Up down up down up down, sometimes many times in a day. It's quite unsettling.
Ima be quite real and raw, here. It's already hard enough to be me, without going into much detail-- my closest loved ones know my issues.
But this is really new, and my world was already really difficult to navigate, without adding this on top of it, and I so badly want to be the support system-- of course I do, being Mom.
It's SO hard. So freaking hard.
I'm day-at-a-timing it in a  huge way.
Not whining. Just mostly venting.
I wish I had a support system for me. Trying to find online support groups for this. I feel so alone.

Looking for Ostara images because reasons, and I found one that had a sentiment on it with a part I *really* liked-- "It is the perfect time to start new projects, access new ideas, and give birth to new conditions".

GIVE BIRTH TO NEW CONDITIONS.

Give birth to *new conditions*!!!

Holy cow.
This is huge.
I can *SO* use this.

I've been working on practicing self-care, and part of that is drums, and art, and meditation, and Netflix. Stuff for me, that makes me feel good. Doing it, too. Incense. Candles.
And my counselor gave me a Google Mini that is the coolest thing EVAH. It's this little device that plugs into the wall, in my bedroom, connects through Bluetooth to my phone, and I can go "Hey Google, do ____" and it will do it! Play music through my Pandora account, tell me the weather in bumf*ck Egypt, road conditions, jokes, puns, all sorts of silliness, all sorts of information. News. Sports. Weather. ANYthing.
And it's got voice recognition to my voice. So I think only I can activate it.
I said "Hey Google, play Pandora please" and this was the first time I added "please" because even though it's a device, I feel rude not saying please, and the thing goes "Okay. Play Pandora. Thanks for asking like that" 😀😦
I love it. LOVE. My geeky library self is all over this thing. 

So I'm alone right now, and I'm really enjoying the quiet 😁I hope to have a long, lovely weekend. My partner D and I are going to be coloring eggs for the Ostara ritual and potluck next week, and my partner A is coming to visit for the weekend of Passover, YAY!!! By that time we'll have not seen one another for eight months. She and I are going to our old friend Chiq's for Seder on Saturday night, like I've been doing for the past 5 years. It's a good time.

Lots to look forward to. I'm putting my mind in positive.

I would like to get past the Not Writing, to the Writing. But it's been a hard go, these past two years, with the surreal country and the state thereof, that I now live in.

These days, I have a full plate and more than a full plate. My boy is in his senior year in high school, and he was chosen for a paid internship in his major, during school hours, so every other week I drive him to work, go to my own work, and pick him up later. He's making more money than me, right now! I hope he gets hired on after graduation. Wouldn't that be peachy?
And every other week in between, I get to sit quietly for a half hour to an hour in the dark of my Mom Cave, at the computer, with a candle and incense, and contemplate the rising day.

Surrounding that, we have 7 hours of appointments weekly, and I hope that will do a thing we need for it to do. That, in addition to whatever doctor and dentist appointments we have, and picking up prescriptions and what-not.

I am exhausted nearly every day. What gets me through is I know it's temporary. And also my two partners-- my two romantic companions, who are the utmost in supportive. I don't know how I would get by without their support.
I have next to zero time for creativity, or relaxation, or even reading, but I am trying to fit those things in as best I can.
I have sleep habits. Which is great. I have habits, lots of them, and they keep me sane.
I read every night before sleep, in bed, if I can manage to keep my eyes open long enough.

I'm signed up for an online (email and website) art prompt class. I'm on, I think, my fourth project with this. I'm not sure I'm doing great art-- I don't think so. But I'm doing it, which is what counts. I'm making art.
I'm trying to sit for 5 lousy minutes on the drum kit a day, but that has mostly gone to the side for now.

And, my boy is taking driving school. This week is the book work stuff. Then we have to get his permit and then he gets to take the practical (behind the wheel). Then I have to observe him while he drives, for forty hours, before 6 months from now when he can take his driving test.
Ye gods. I shall close my eyes and chant "We All Come From The Goddess" to calm my frayed nerves.

Oh, and speaking of which-- CBD oil is the bomb. I don't know or care how or why it works, but it does, and it does not get me high, which I was nervous about, being in recovery. It soothes anxiety like nobody's business. Yay it!

Right now, we have a Winter storm warning for overnight. I am thoroughly enjoying the calm before the storm. Literally. The quiet, the stillness, the dark and impending sky. It's my favorite weather, next to actual storm.

Antici--- pation. 

Mabon!

Happy and Blessed Equinox to all!

The Autumnal Equinox is the other time of Balance in the year... the first being the Vernal, or Spring, Equinox, in March.
It's a time of balance. It's the time when the day and the night are of equal length.

I can't help, in these volatile political times here in the US of A, but think of balance when it comes to equality and equity for all.
Which we have never had.
I'm not going into political rant or discourse, because that's not what I do, except to say that I am ALL ABOUT EQUALITY.... for all. I stand hardcore for the downtrodden, the marginalized, the bottomest ones of all.
Just so's you know.
And if anyone is ever in need of a hug, or shelter from storms, or a lending ear, I am available. I don't have much, and yes, I am mad wary, and very guarded and jealous of my space and time, but that said, I would extend a hand-up if it was that dire. As best as I'm able.

Tomorrow is the Mabon ritual out at http://www.churchofasphodel.org/ where I go for my spiritual home. I have been a member there for a couple of years.
I'm bringing a Harvest Ratatouille from veggies I got at the farmers market: eggplant, zucchini, onions, mushrooms, celery, tomatoes (those are from a can-- shhh! 😉) and a bit of granulated garlic and salt and pepper. Oh, and olive oil. Yum, yum. 

I'm grateful, this holy day, for my child, who is growing up as we speak. He has his job back at the haunted house for October, and is starting the first weekend I'm going to the Cape with my partner D for the weekend. He gets to try out being alone for two days, rather than one, while mama (me, duh) tries hard not to worry and fret and wonder if I'll have a house and two cats to come home to, let alone a kid.
I'm grateful for my partners, D and A, who are both awesome each in their own way, and for the abundance of love that I have.
I'm grateful that my mom is still very much alive, and healthy. And that my brother is nearby to her, to watch and take care, should (gods forbid) anything happen-- he is right there.
I'm grateful I live in Massachusetts, where there's health insurance, and four seasons. I'm grateful I don't have to shovel the Winter. I'm grateful for food in my belly and a roof over our heads, and that we have just enough money to cover our needs. And a car.
My senses, all of which work. My body, which works just the way it should. My blood pressure, which is generally low-ish. I am almost 59 years old and I am not on any meds, and I can still balance on one foot.
And, of course, covfefe 😄

Last day of August

Finally.... OMG, how I loathe Summer.

I know, I know... I'm so in the minority. Whatever. I'm not good in the heat. I'm that Witch in The Wizard of Oz when they throw the water on her... "I'm melting; I'm melting!"... Yep, me. In the heat. We have a blessed relief from it for the weekend, and dang it! For Labour Day and the next dang WEEK, that I can tell, back up to 90* again. Frackity frack.

I am so grateful for air conditioning. I do not know how people stand it otherwise.

I knew this mom back in Asheville who was from Florida, if I remember correctly, whose daughter was in my kid's homeschool group, that LOVED the heat. She loved it in the 90s and could live in tropics... oh HELL no, not me, nope nope nope. All for her. My friend Jessica lives in Arizona and loves it, too, and the humidity, and I see her as a plant that revives with a drink of water. Maybe it's living in that Arizona dry heat that fuels her need for humid, I dunno.

Anyway. Tomorrow begins the season of SEPTOBER, and I shall spend part of the weekend decorating a little, and redoing my altar for Mabon.

School is back in session. My boy is a senior! Yowsa. As Gretchen Rubin says, the years are long, but the days are short. Ye gods. He's like 5'8" or 5'9" and towers over me, and I'm his little Hobbity mama. The mornings, this week, have been so pleasant. I'm grateful for that, too.

Our Song Challenge song is done, with video! I'll post a link once we submit it to the challenge.

I'm having a grateful day, so far 💓

ETA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d6pnfr3IrA&feature=youtu.be

I am twenty four years and one day sober

Yesterday was my 24 years 💗

TWENTY FOUR.

Let that sink in for a minute.

I have a friend, Morgan, who was born on that day, that year. August 23, 1994. I tell her she is my sobriety gift. But seriously, she's a full grown adult with two children and I have been sober as long as she has been alive.
That totally blows my mind.
Today, my kid and I went out for a Starbucks to celebrate, and to spend some time together, and he waxed poetic about how he loves the time we spend together like that, and I'm his hero for quitting all the substances, and he doesn't care who sees that he will still hold my hand in public a little, 'cause his mom rocks and is awesome and I always have his back and stuff.... brought me to tears, for real, that one did.
This has been a Best Day, in my book. Marking this one, for sure. My kid loves me THAT MUCH. And, he is awesome. I told him he is my crowning moment of being alive at all. Which is true.

In other news, my partner D and I are recording and recording... we have like 4 or 5 songs down for our eventually pending album, and I have even sung vocals on some of them. And I sang lead vocals on this weird experimental-y song that they did for a different project.
Sheena sang.
Sheena sang lead. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
And we are doing another Song Challenge for Victor Infante's Telegram & Gazette thingy. That's gonna be so fun. Will post when it's published!

I am hoping my partner A can come visit me after her birthday weekend. I'm putting all kinda Witchy energy towards that.

I'm busybusybusy. But it's good busy. I have new clients that I really like, and this week some extra time off, and even though it's going to be a beastly ninety-two freaking degrees for the first three days of next week, I know Septober is coming. I have even put a couple of orangey decorations up. I can hardly stand it. I lovelovelove the Autumn. Love. I'm so ready.